VAMPIRES

Well it's the 80's again and everyone has gone Vampire crazy once more. I didn't really want to blog about this but I now know that my hesitation has been a mistake! As you all know, a few years back the local shithead kids (mostly chicks) fell in love with the twilight series. No-one read any fuckin' books but they all suddenly wanted to fuck a vampire. It wasn't until later that they suddenly wanted to fuck a werewolf and now they pretty much wanna fuck 'em both at the same time. This meant the only way to fuck these chicks was becoming a creature of the night (lame). So now the quiet unpopular kid in school was the hottest monster to have ever graced the high school canteen. It's really painful for me. On a side note, making cultesk films about blood sucking demons and accursid psuedo-humans, portraying these unGodly monsters as romantic fodder is kinda fucked up in itself. Now every self-indulgent kid in the world is refusing to get up during daylight and hangin' around watching tv all night. (Note to parents: just enroll ya' kid in night school! A few nights of catching public transport home should knock the little fuck into a quick submission. When they get scared just ask them why they didn't use their "vampire powers".) I guess the glorification of occult figures would really fuck me off if I was Reverend Camden or something, but I'm not so all the Captain Heavens out there can go to hell. I do however have an allergy to stupid shit and this is officially qualifying. The real mean push is the re-creation of "Fright Night". It looks pretty good and I'm sure any non-vampire-crazed kids will wish they were either vampire hunters or they might have a vampire living on their street or wanna be Colin Farrell or that Chekov kid or Red Mist or some shit! Fact is, it's gonna get ugly. Real ugly. There's gonna be kids everywhere goin' along with this shit. Little girls will want to fuck Colin Farrell (he's a nice enough bloke but you might as well fuck your Irish uncle when he visits). Look forward to little bitches being driven around by filthy cunts in their 30's or should I say 30th century bwa ha ha haaa! Jokes aside that shit WILL be happening and that shit is disgusting. And the throws of passion can fuck off too; instead of teenage fun, women will be "submitting" to hickies while clever guys will impactually "refuse to turn" the silly bitches at the last second. Small factions of guys and girls who follow this bullshit will have staring contests with each other during class. Child psychologists are licking their lips and buying bigger wallets. Film students are watching bad vampire films and ripping them off by making their own shitty vamp-flick which is pretty much just them and a few buddies on a roof talking about not wanting to kill anymore and having a REALLY BAD vampire fight and fading out before you know the conclusion to be "arty". Parents are humiliated. The local butcher shop has little fuckwits coming in asking for cups of blood. Any barking dog must be "wise to your presence". Any obedient dog is on your side. Kids are eating luch on the roof because it feels more natural. Kids start sleeping under their beds for NO fucking reason AT ALL! Some of the hardcore wanker fucks are devastated because they will "miss having garlic". You see, these twilight films are like a chain letter or a virus and there's plenty of stupid kids out there waiting to be infected. Fun is fun, and I LOVE fun! But I hate stupid and that's what this is. The films aren't even that great anyway. They're a bit of fun, but not this cult following crap and certainly not enough to make anyone wish they were undead or some shit. Now (for real) look at an actual case; a man who can hypnotically suggest things to people, who has a strange natural fear of garlic cloves, who never gets sick, doesn't need to sleep, has long sexy hair, is fuckin' hotshit charming and who is virtually indestructable - sounds like a vampire doesn't it!? Well you're wrong. This person is NOT a vampire at all. This person is ME!