Dear Mum

It's a little cold where I'm sitting right now because it's Melbourne and well, you know. Kim's been doing really well with her schooling and she even has a gig in November with the cup being on and all.
I have trouble remembering when you died so I have to ask sometimes which upsets other people, which I don't mind watching for some sick reason (but I'm learning). Daniel is doing really well. He has these two awesome kids and Mazza is a tough Mum and a resilient woman. I can't wait 'till they're grounded for the first time. Should be hilarious.
As I said before, it's kinda hard for me to remember when you died, but I do know it's near me and Kim's anniversary; and that's kind of a downer, but I don't let it get me down too much.
Kim did real well in school. I think she enjoyed seeing other people for a while. It was only two weeks, but I think it gave her a break from looking after my shit and that helped her a lot. I think she needs some friends who haven't met me before (let alone yet), because I think it takes the pressure off her for a little bit (which may seem like an eternity to her), and keeps me grounded about her needs.
I've been playing lots of songs still. I have a strange lull around this time of year. I want to write you a song but become sad when I try to. I don't think I have what it takes yet to portray the right sentiment yet. Will try harder, as I'm sure you would want from me.
Noonie's dead too. Didn't go to the funeral shit because no-one invited me. Sounds a little dramatic, but it isn't really. Please try not to be angry about it. I think that the family doesn't really know how to deal with me (shit, does anyone!?).
I hope you're floating around out there having fun and discovering heaps of shit that we here on fuck-circle have no fuckin' idea about. I'm sure you are, and for that I'm thankful.
That's kinda a line from this new TV show I'm watching that makes me laugh. It's full of funny internet crap that's really funny and hosted by a comedian guy I never heard of before, but that doesn't detract from the comedy at all. His name is Daniel so you know he's OK.
I've been dreaming of the beach house a lot lately. It got sold and divided pretty much among everyone but me. I feel bitter about it but not so upset. I think there's as many good memories in there as bad so it's like having a new beginning forced upon us all. I challenge any of us to disagree with this theory, but won't push the point.
Wei is talking to Daniel, but not really to me. Silly, because Dan is so boring. I think it's because he has kids. I suppose I am an acquired taste, and she can probably see the signs of an angry man.
Gran has pretty much lost her mind. I am not forbidden to know where she is belong kept, so I haven't seen her yet. The house is sold and I have not touched that old black again. I have your piano and play sometimes when I think of you. Yes, George is fine. I have not been able to go back to Madang Avenue as I live far away and wouldn't want to seem creepy.
Since you can't really read this (or maybe you can), I just wanna say I miss you a lot and I remember all the shit you went through to give me a decent life. Noel and Robert were fuckheads. Robert is still a real fuckhead. The Donnelly freak showed up at your funeral and will be punished in time. I promise. Her body is her cell and I enjoy watching her slowly deteriorate before my unseen eyes.
I'd better go have a drink and a ciggie now.

Happy anniversary Mum.
Your ever loving son,
Samuel.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT!

A fond and strong HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my absolute favorite Australian talent ever; the unforgettable and unmistakable KERRI-ANNE! Lotsa love and good wishings for our best entertainer and kindest Queen of the TV-waves! And with that we say HIP HIP... HOORAY! HIP HIP... HOORAY! HIP HIP... HOORAY!

My Puzzle...

I am at night and I am at daybreak. I use logic to extract sense from all I touch and yet I am readily vacant. I am not man nor woman yet I am both. I am rain and thunder but not in direct understanding of the weather. I live in space yet have a few properties here on Earth just for safe keeping. I need no food or water but crave them always. I am not alive. I fear nothing for I fear everything equally. I cannot speak without your help. I am blind. I make sense in time. I can fly but I have no wings. I am not immune to fire, but that's not my fault. I have given you all the clues I can but one which I cannot give... what am I?

AUSTRALIAN DRINK-FEST 2011

To celebrate The Nightbane's birthday Drink-Fest begins at midnight tonight. Sleep as much as you can because come midnight WE GO LIVE! The idea is simple; wherever you are in the world, spend 24 hours awake drinking heavily - black-out drunk styles - and still go to work on Friday. It will unite all involved. I've been "training" all week, hopefully you all have been too. Live action on Blog TV from midnight tonight. Witness the stupidity for yourself. Back soon...

just got a Happy Birthday from WENDY KINGSTON!!

Just got a Happy Birthday from Kristin from Friday Night Cranks! Awesome!!

I just got a Happy Birthday tweet from Hi-5's Casey Burgess. Hottie woooo WIN!

I just got a Happy Birthday tweet from Virginia Trioli. My life is now complete.

VAMPIRES

Well it's the 80's again and everyone has gone Vampire crazy once more. I didn't really want to blog about this but I now know that my hesitation has been a mistake! As you all know, a few years back the local shithead kids (mostly chicks) fell in love with the twilight series. No-one read any fuckin' books but they all suddenly wanted to fuck a vampire. It wasn't until later that they suddenly wanted to fuck a werewolf and now they pretty much wanna fuck 'em both at the same time. This meant the only way to fuck these chicks was becoming a creature of the night (lame). So now the quiet unpopular kid in school was the hottest monster to have ever graced the high school canteen. It's really painful for me. On a side note, making cultesk films about blood sucking demons and accursid psuedo-humans, portraying these unGodly monsters as romantic fodder is kinda fucked up in itself. Now every self-indulgent kid in the world is refusing to get up during daylight and hangin' around watching tv all night. (Note to parents: just enroll ya' kid in night school! A few nights of catching public transport home should knock the little fuck into a quick submission. When they get scared just ask them why they didn't use their "vampire powers".) I guess the glorification of occult figures would really fuck me off if I was Reverend Camden or something, but I'm not so all the Captain Heavens out there can go to hell. I do however have an allergy to stupid shit and this is officially qualifying. The real mean push is the re-creation of "Fright Night". It looks pretty good and I'm sure any non-vampire-crazed kids will wish they were either vampire hunters or they might have a vampire living on their street or wanna be Colin Farrell or that Chekov kid or Red Mist or some shit! Fact is, it's gonna get ugly. Real ugly. There's gonna be kids everywhere goin' along with this shit. Little girls will want to fuck Colin Farrell (he's a nice enough bloke but you might as well fuck your Irish uncle when he visits). Look forward to little bitches being driven around by filthy cunts in their 30's or should I say 30th century bwa ha ha haaa! Jokes aside that shit WILL be happening and that shit is disgusting. And the throws of passion can fuck off too; instead of teenage fun, women will be "submitting" to hickies while clever guys will impactually "refuse to turn" the silly bitches at the last second. Small factions of guys and girls who follow this bullshit will have staring contests with each other during class. Child psychologists are licking their lips and buying bigger wallets. Film students are watching bad vampire films and ripping them off by making their own shitty vamp-flick which is pretty much just them and a few buddies on a roof talking about not wanting to kill anymore and having a REALLY BAD vampire fight and fading out before you know the conclusion to be "arty". Parents are humiliated. The local butcher shop has little fuckwits coming in asking for cups of blood. Any barking dog must be "wise to your presence". Any obedient dog is on your side. Kids are eating luch on the roof because it feels more natural. Kids start sleeping under their beds for NO fucking reason AT ALL! Some of the hardcore wanker fucks are devastated because they will "miss having garlic". You see, these twilight films are like a chain letter or a virus and there's plenty of stupid kids out there waiting to be infected. Fun is fun, and I LOVE fun! But I hate stupid and that's what this is. The films aren't even that great anyway. They're a bit of fun, but not this cult following crap and certainly not enough to make anyone wish they were undead or some shit. Now (for real) look at an actual case; a man who can hypnotically suggest things to people, who has a strange natural fear of garlic cloves, who never gets sick, doesn't need to sleep, has long sexy hair, is fuckin' hotshit charming and who is virtually indestructable - sounds like a vampire doesn't it!? Well you're wrong. This person is NOT a vampire at all. This person is ME!

So what IS a hoax really?

Recent news has shown us what is being called a "bomb hoax" when really it crossed the line of hoaxing and went into all out criminality. Here's the basic rundown; some prick strapped a collar bomb to a chick and she sat around for 21 hours while bomb defuzing teams tried to figure out what the fuck to do.
Fastforward to now and we find the man who did this in America. He is promptly arrested and put before a judge in Kentucky who will hold him until October this year when he will be extradicted back to Sydney where he will most likely be killed by the first crim that sees him (hell, I would).
So there's the good news. The bad news is that the media are constantly calling this action a "bomb hoax". Hoax is entirely the wrong terminology for this kind of crime. A hoax by definition is "something intended to decieve or defraud, to hoodwink, a deception via a practical joke, fraud, fake, humbug or joke". I guess I missed the part where causing emotional grief was included. Now let's try "sadism". Contrary to popular belief, sadism is not about sexual gratification through the inflicting of pain on others (although it does happen sometimes) but moreover a feeling of gratification from inflicting ANY suffering whether mental or physical on an innocent victim. Deriving a calm pleasure from the application of torture is a pretty fair description of this prick (in my opinion).
Example; most people who "hoax" others enjoy sitting back and watching the chaos it brings. You see, putting big footprints in the woods is all fun and games, but seeing the hopeless hunters and psi-analysts trencing through the cold woods muttering maybe's to each other and photographing trees is fuckin' hilarious. Pepole who "hoax" towns and their residents usually hide themselves in able to enjoy the carnage and silliness. Not so much for the sadist. A sadist may become so complacent with their torturous ways that they simply walk right into the hands of the law. I was once in my bedroom electrocuting my wife's genitals listening to her scream and beg. It never occured to me how this sounded from outside, so naturally I was visited by some very concerned police officers who demanded I confirm my wife's safety. Awash with the cries of ultimate suffering I got sloppy and my fun was stopped. Just like this bomb strapping fuckhead. He just walked right into custody. I think in the near future we will discover an elaborate lifestyle of uncaring selfishness, revealing the true motives of this arsehole, proving definitively that this was no "hoax" at all...

Sitting around shaping the nation, drinking VODKA and smokin' too many ciggies. That's the life of Dr.Samule!

Well here we are. Another sick reason for another post. In recent times I've been rewarding my fans with home made recordings to help cheer them up. This has not proven sufficient to my cause. I am left with more and more suggestions to my next songs. Some want me to write an anti-war song whilst others want me to write some anti-safeway songs. Ummmm, what to choose!? I haven't heard from my old friends lately (which is good), so I have not needed to vent as much as I mainly would have. I'm going to buy my wife an awesome apartment suite for a few nights to show her some fun. Oh, shit, wife is back! Back soon...

Oprah and the Giant Floods

I hate telethons. They almost always suck and they're way never long or boring enough. If we'd had our telethon when the big "O" was here we'd have had ka-billions of dollars in support. We need a full week of fund raising telethons to even get close to what we need. Please donate all the shit you can find! These people out there are pretty-much fucked. Oh, just for y'all who don't know what this shit is all about; currently the entire north eastern and mid east coast and pretty-much the entire inland and coastal western portion of Australia is underneath 8 to 13 metres of fuckin' water! It's a fuckin' disaster! These guys aren't just flooded - they are totally underwater! We gotta help these people somehow; hence, there is a telethon taking place on channel 9 as I write this. A bunch of shitty (but kind) performers are performing their shit. The women are pretty and the men are handsome. Karl is annoying (even on mute), people are clapping and people are hoping and people are sad. This is quite a sight... I hope to The Lord that someone youtube's this show in full! Either way, I hope that everyone in Australia will try to help these poor motherfuckers. If any Aussies deserved a beer it'd be them!

Well a Happy New Year to all!